The Guy Report

The Way it is

2009-01-28T18:39:00.001-08:00

Hyper connected leads to loss of soul because you'd have a panic attack if you tried to sit still for a second. What's that about?

Hop on the fear bandwagon. Everyone else does. One day it's terrorists threatening our way of life, and the environment which will be officially closed by the year 2012, thank you Al Gore.

Meanwhile we've got troops we don't even care about no matter how much we say we do.

And now the economy is in the tanks and everyone might have to cut back and stop being addicted to CREDIT. How about being addicted to PRACTICALITY?

And guess what? We're still here. But without us, trust me, the world would still turn. No matter how important we like to think we are with our fancy titles and jobs, and crackberrys, and blue teeth that make us look like complete assholes. Really. You look so fucking needy and stupid with that thing in your ear. Can't be alone for 5 minutes, can you? What's that all about?

the self worth is lacking and we wouldn't want to take the time to figure out how to get some. Come to some inner truth or truths and start playing a part in whatever the hell this is we're creating. And if you're not creating...Stop. Look around you, everyone is running around at such a speed (Beatles). Do you think this imbalance is going to be good for our future?

We've caught a case of the fears, peeps.

Don't be scared. There is a purpose, it's just that we'll probably never know what the hell it is. Trust. Create. Enjoy. There will be no second chances.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Hey Kids!

2009-01-01T21:04:00.000-08:00

We are so not blah-blah-blahgging here much any more. But we are doing plenty of ranting and raving at our website. You can also follow us on our very fun Twitter feed.

Is It Just Me?

2008-09-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

Or does Archie Manning look like Woody Allen's younger brother? Good news: Manning does not have an Asian baby sitter.

Check out the new site: www.theguyreport.com
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

People's Retardation of China: An Olympic Blog

2008-08-04T20:42:00.000-07:00

Hey, Kids! We're blogging about the Olympics over at the new site. C'mon over and leave this old lady behind!

Madonna A-Rod Text Messages

2008-07-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

Read the rest of the messages straight from the source.

We Have Moved

2008-06-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

Our entire schpiel has permanently moved over to our website at www.theguyreport.com. Join us there and make sure to register to keep up to date. Hasta la vista.

Did You Happen to See the Most Beautiful Girl?

2008-06-10T21:27:00.000-07:00

OK, you recognize the lyrics. If you don't, Charlie Rich sung it. It's an old-school, cheesy kind of tune. But our Chief Guy just used the musical accompaniment in a pick-up attempt. Was he successful?

That's not the point right now. The point, is how to use creativity to enhance your pick-up skills. Because you've been using the cheesy, rehearsed lines for too long. It's time to let a little improvisation in on your act...

Walking through the grocery store, C.G. saw her standing there. (She might not have been the Most Beautiful Girl in the World, but she was certainly the MBGIS. Most Beautiful Girl in Store, and then some.) He quickly decided against the usual guy approach.* She was too sexy for that. Either he had to Go Big, or Go Home.

That's when Charlie Rich came in, his song piped in over the loud speakers. Why not? C.G. figured. He had nothing to lose.

He marched right over to her aisle and asked her if she was listening to the song. "Um, yes, dumbass, I'm not deaf."

She didn't say that. She smiled, yes, she was listening, even though it was apparent her young-school self found it rather cheesy. But that cheese-factor quickly vanished when C.G. spun it into flattery.

He told her she was the Most Beautiful Girl in the World and he wanted to go out with her. She blushed, thanked him, and said "maybe."

Once again, her answer isn't the thing here. The thing is to use the anecdote as an example of how to use your environment and surroundings to go with the creative flow. If you can spin gems like that, you will be rewarded one day. Even if she's not MBGW material.

As it happens, the song is all about break-up, which C.G. would be perfectly willing to do if the Most Beautiful Girl in the World would just go out with him once. Stay tuned.

* Ya know, pretend you just happen to need something on the aisle she is standing in. Then proceed to aisle, buy a bunch of sh*t you don't need, and still drop the ball on talking to her.

8 Ways to Tell Your Band Sucks

2008-06-09T21:29:00.001-07:00

1. Citing Extreme Suckatude, even Myspace Tom de-friends you.

2. Groupies are weighing in at over 200lbs. Bringing their own flour to concerts.

3. Latest gig at church bake sale. They made you pay for the Cool-Aid.

4. Lead singer's looks, and talent, compared with Danny Bonaduce.

5. Lead singer actually is Danny Bonaduce.

6. People constantly complimenting you on how cool your guitar case is.

7. Concert appearances frequently end in Disturbing The Peace charges, and full cavity searches, just "because."

8. You can't get sex, and you have no drugs, and your rock n' roll sounds like a cross between a chinchilla in heat and the Iraqi National Anthem.

P.S. Oh, say, can you see, if you're a "friend" and you have this sneaking suspicion I think your band blows, please don't ever invite me again. I promise to remember you at Christmas.

Long enough to run the other way. Attention Shoppers! Sucky band member on aisle four...

Van Winkle To Be Awoken For NBA Finals

2008-06-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

Asleep for, what seemed like, a lifetime (but in reality, was only 6 days), while NBA marketing geniuses went about their greedy little work, Rip cannot remember the last game he witnessed.

"I just remember a really loud and obnoxious PA announcer..."

Read The Body Language, Dude

2008-06-02T18:25:00.000-07:00

It's not hard to tell when a girl is interested in what we have to offer. (Namely, a penis.)

They're either in, or out, from the get-go. There is no thinking about it. She knows the second she sees you if there's a possibility the two of you will be sharing bodily fluids. You know the second she see you that she knows if she'll be sharing bodily fluids with you.

It's in her body language, dude. Read it. No words necessary.

You want to know what the Real Game is all about? (For absolutely, shite, nothing?) Stop trying to force the round peg into the square hole. Life's too short.

The Two Faces of David Stern

2008-05-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

David Stern on the possibility the Pistons and Spurs could meet in the finals...

David Stern after the Pistons and Spurs don't make the finals...

Mike Breen's Mentor a Chicken

2008-05-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

"He just took the ball out of bounds!!!!!!!!!"

A Message to Kobe Haters

2008-05-14T23:10:00.000-07:00

You can exhale now. He isn't going to self-destruct.

10 Words Women Don't Want to Hear Out of Your Mouth

2008-05-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

1. I

2. was

3. only

4. using

5. you

6. because

7. I

8. was

9. hard

10. up

8 Reasons Why Men Are Men

2008-05-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

1. Because it's cool.

2. Because we are.

3. Because we came.

4. We saw.

5. We conquered.

6. We kicked ass.

7. Then we came again.

8. And we forgot to get her name.

10 Ways to Say 'I Hate You' to an Ex

2008-05-08T00:12:00.000-07:00

1. "I hate you."

2. Mail your homemade porn tapes to her parents.

3. Tell her she's as skanky as Paula Abdul.

4. Tell her again.

5. Report the inadequacy of her BJ technique on wall at Facebook.

6. When you see her face, you don't even know her -- unless she wants to give you a break-up BJ.

7. Report that she did on Facebook.

8. "Je te deteste."

9. Tell the next b/f you gave her the clap.

10. Give him the clap, too.

If a Woman Farts in the Forest...

2008-05-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

Does it make a sound?

What about if she farts in your presence? And she's hot. Guess it doesn't make a sound then, does it? But how many do you let her get away with before saying something? And, at what count does she start becoming "not so hot?" -- except in terms of increasing Global Warming.

"It's been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. That's why Tipper's been on lock-down lately."

6 Things You Shouldn't Be Saying to Your Stalker

2008-05-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

1. Hello.

2. Do you park here often?

3. I've seen bigger penises on my brothers.

4. I bet that made you real popular in high school.

5. Sure, I'll get in.

6. I hope you don't mind yeast infections.

10 Things Verne Troyer Would Do For an Encore

2008-05-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

1. Sniff blow off a hooker's ass while farting the National Anthem.

2. Challenge a mouse to a skateboard race.

3. Bang any living munchkin from the Wizard of Oz.

4. Shave Mike Myers pubes and save them in a jar by his bed.

5. Marry a vegetable named Demetri.

6. Audition to find "love" with Tila Tequila.

7. Demonstrate his fine mastery of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

8. Apply to be paper weight between Mary Carey's breasts.

9. Nominate Pop Tarts as the number one snack food for diabetic children.

10. Reveal he was also a high-priced Spitzer Girl.

Laker Fans Finding Love All Over Again

2008-04-29T21:40:00.001-07:00

"Hey, those colors look great on you. Do you come here often?"

Obama For a Spam Free America

2008-04-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

Just isn't going to happen.

I made the mistake of contacting Obama's "team" in an effort to get the skinny smoker to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E for ESPN. No reply, only ObamaSpam, every single day. It brought to mind a sad fact of American politics: It's all about "the sell" and little about the people.

"By the people, for the people," I think not. I know not.

In my mind, Obama is now directly on par with that Nigerian King's daughter and the plentiful offers of a bigger penis. He's a lot of puff with little substance. Kind of like the supermodel who fails to eat her rice cake and is in jeopardy of being blown away by the slightest breeze.

5 Things a Guy Doesn't Want to do on a Date

2008-04-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

1. Talk.

2. Listen.

3. Shop.

4. Fart.

5. Bleed.

NBA Poser Suffers From Severe Case of Premature Thugulation

2008-04-27T18:45:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C. - It occurred in the first quarter of today's game against the Cleveland Cavs. The Washington Wizard's DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. Wait, stop that sentence. It's juicy enough to repeat: DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. What a concept. Remind me how long he's been in the NBA for?

What happened next was the even more surprising: DeShawn did that genius "wave his hand in front of his face" thing, then followed it up with a nomination for The David Stern Sportsmanship of the Year Award: The throat slash. The: I-just-kicked-your-ass (on one basket, in the first quarter) and-blood-is-pouring-out-of-your-neck, let-me-call-the-paramedics throat slash.

His victim? LeBron James -- who the genius Stevenson has been calling overrated. Note to Stevenson: scoreboard says 3-1. And LeBron right around 30 a game. How genius can you be now?

Last note to the Wizard Whose Wand is Flaccid: You got beat on a shot by someone who actually looks like he could be a real-life thug: Delonte West. Real-life thugs don't have to "talk the talk." They just beat you, DeShawn, until, hopefully, you can't ever talk again.

And The Worst Trade of the NBA Century Goes to...

2008-04-25T21:58:00.001-07:00

5 Reason Guys Don't Get Laid

2008-04-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

1. Lack of confidence.

2. Toooo desperate.

3. Trying to play in majors when they should stay in the minors.

4. Still living with their parents.

5. Fugly. Real fugging fugly.

5 Ways to Tell a Girl Wants to Have Sex With You

2008-04-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

1. She's in the Over-35-Still-Single-Without-Kids Club.

2. She'd rather not introduce you to her parents.

3. You spell your name: George Clooney.

4. She's just maxed out your credit card -- again.

5. She breaks out the Elisha Cuthbert poster to tape to her back.

Tina Fey Finally Gets Her Wish

2008-04-19T00:37:00.001-07:00

9 Things Guys Regret Most

2008-04-16T17:51:00.001-07:00

1. Not asking for her number.

2. Not getting a BJ.

3. Missing their favorite team because they were hanging out not getting a BJ.

4. The next morning -- and the creature lying by their side.

5. Amount of cash spent on creature.

6. Having to utter the "L" word.

7. Bringing up the latest rash flash-point (right before uttering the "L" word).

8. The 4-hour erection on the country farm.

9. Not sticking with the sheep.

The 5 Biggest - Female - Lies of Internet Dating

2008-04-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

1. Pictures

OK, girls: How about you snap a current picture, or three, and not use one from your high school year book? Or the one with the fancy "mood" lighting. Guess what? You might have to meet us one day. You know the mood then? Awkwwwwwwward.

2. Smoking

Last time we checked, "absolutely not" under the smoking question meant, yup, absolutely not. If you have a slight problem of chain smoking a pack a day, guess what? It's a no-brainer. You're a smoker! Next.

3. Health

"Keeping it healthy" does not mean you dine out for Krispy Kremes at midnight and your breakfast consists of Twinkies and Red Bull. It means: balanced diet, the kind that'll help you stop that twitching!

4. Workout

OK, working out "5 times a week" does not translate into walking from your car to get the KrispyKremes. Note: This DOES NOT HELP the twitching. And please: Don't point at your belly and say it would take you a week to get it in shape. It would take you: NEVER, that's how long.

5. Age

If you're 38 in real life, that doesn't make you 29 on the Internet. It makes you 38. We know how hard it is for you to DO THE MATH, but trust us: You're over-the-hill. It's time you started acting your age and started accepting advances from the creeps down at the Home Depot.

P.S. By the way, we still like romantic walks on the beach, poetry and FURRY animals. And occasionally a giant taco.

The 6 Best Ways to Meet Girls This Weekend

2008-04-11T08:35:00.001-07:00

1. Practice human pretzel moves in yoga class.

2. Squeeze melons at a farmer's market.

3. Locate nearest Emperor's Club, spend trust fund.

4. Pantie (i.e. thong) raid!

5. Gothicmatch.com.

6. Vegas.

10 Things You Don't Say to a Woman

2008-04-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

1. Tell me your name again.

2. Your best friend is so hot.

3. Do you believe in intravenous blood exchange on a first date?

4. What about a second?

5. Can I borrow some money for dinner?

6. You call those shoes?

7. Yes, you look fat.

8. Did you just fart?

9. Mind if I smell it?

10. Would you like to go out sometime?

Top 5 Remedies For Guys Who Choke

2008-04-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

1. Hug From Mommy

2. Mass Alcohol

3. Strippers

4. Virgin Suicides (w/basketball players)

5. FT Practice

10 Things Guys Hate About You

2008-04-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

1. Sunglasses

2. Drama

3. Sex in the City

4. Anorexia

5. Driving skills

6. Overweight best friend

7. Infidelity

8. Perfume

9. Syphilis

10. Da Vinci Code

Naomi Campbell's Heathrow Hissy Fit

2008-04-06T10:17:00.001-07:00

5 Reasons You Know She's a Psycho

2008-04-03T23:06:00.000-07:00

1. Thinks her meds are Flinstone vitamins.

2. Keeps referring to you as "that guy."

3. Writes songs about her 23 stray cats and a bong.

4."Accidentally" invites dad to cam when she's giving you head.

5. Likes talking to dead tree bark for moral support.

14 Things a Guy Won't Do With You (unless you're Hot)

2008-04-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

1. Have sex with you on your period

2. Meet your friends, even worse, your family

3. Let you have the dry spot

4. Watch chick flicks

5. Buy you flowers

6. Listen to your complaints

7. Wear your panties

8. Go dancing

9. Enact PDA

10. Use a condom

11. Pick up your dog's poop

12. Go down on you

13. Write a song about you

14. Admit he's a major asshole

PS. Remember, hot chicks dig the a-holes
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

14 Things a Guy Doesn't Mention on First Dates

2008-04-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

1. Condi Rice

2. Three-ways

3. Herpes

4. Past stalking experience

5. Politics

6. Tom of myspace

7. Circumcision

8. Homoerotic tendencies

9. Shopping

10. Home Depot employment

11. "Mother"

12. Anthony Hopkins

13. Vegas

14. Vagina Monologues

21 Things Guys Don't Like

2008-04-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

1. Condoms

2. Mother-in-laws

3. Directions

4. WNBA

5. Cosmopolitans

6. Mazda Miatas

7. Hairy bush

8. Hillary '08

9. Cockblocking

10. Tupperware

11. Valentine's Day

12. Shopping

13. Rice cakes

14. Opera

15. Erectile dysfunction

16. Cialis ads

17. Hippies

18. Smelly hippies

19. Apologizing

20. Bouncers

21. Oprah

10 Things a Woman Doesn't Want You to Know

2008-03-31T12:45:00.000-07:00

1. She is going to become just like her mother.

2. She took Viagra once and sat around with some girlfriends comparing penis sizes.

3. It IS all about size.

4. She's thinks about sex as much as you do.

5. She thinks about shoes more than sex.

6. She could live without that taste in the back of her throat.

7. Your credit card makes a great lozenger.

8. She has no idea what her Chinese-symbol tramp-stamp means. Slutty?

9. When she says no she really means, "oh please, just ask me one more time so I can hold onto a modicum of my dignity."

10. PMS is a myth created by women who have no better resources to control men with.

Writer's note: Yes, I just ducked as the flower vase broke in tiny little pieces on the wall behind my head. I'm now off to the paint store. Bring you home some Haagen Dazs, honey?

5 Ways to Tell a Guy Wants to Have Sex With U

2008-03-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

1. He's awake.

2. He's awake and drunk.

3. He's awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices.

4. He's awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices and he doesn't even know you're a dude.

5. Did we mention he's awake?

"Hey, babe, is that a pencil in your panties or are you just glad to see me? And what exactly does this dollar get me anyway?"

This Basketball Addiction is Wearing Thin

2008-03-30T10:00:00.001-07:00

I think I'm finally almost ready to check myself into the Promises wing for hoop addicts. Don't ask me who played yesterday, I couldn't remember. Today, is another story. Davidson's Cinderella dream ends. Well, maybe. Point being: Sorry I have been lax on posting recently, going to pick that up real soon, when basketball winds down and I find myself with nothing better to do than poke fun at, well, probably basketball. Though, Jose Canseco is always an option. Stay tuned, good friends, stay tuned.

March Madness: Bruin Boy vs. Trojan Boy

2008-03-17T16:34:00.001-07:00

(TROJAN BOY)

Matt Leinart’s over there.

(BRUIN BOY)
So?

(TROJAN BOY)
We rule you in football.

(BRUIN BOY)
You’re trying to change the subject.

(TROJAN BOY)
What subject?

(BRUIN BOY)
That your team looks like they’re being coached by Jackie Moon out there.

(TROJAN BOY)
Is that the guy in those commercials?

(BRUIN BOY)
Uh, huh.

(TROJAN BOY)
I wouldn’t want to smell like him.

(BRUIN BOY)
Nor your basketball team during our last 15-2 run.

(TROJAN BOY)
Did I mention that Matt Leinart’s over there?

(BRUIN BOY)
Yeah, I saw him covering his eyes, too.

(TROJAN BOY)
Funny.

(BRUIN BOY)
And, FYI: We’re coming after you in football. We got a coach now.

(TROJAN BOY)
Rick Neuheisel? You call him a coach? Where is he anyway? I don’t see him out here supporting the basketball team.

(BRUIN BOY)
That’s because he’s probably out recruiting.

(TROJAN BOY)
Who? Players to participate in his NCAA bracket pool?

(BRUIN BOY)
Funny yourself.

(TROJAN BOY)
BTW: We’re going deeper than you in the real tourney, anyway.

(BRUIN BOY)
You mean: the OJ Mayo & Michael Beasley NBA Coming Out Party?

(TROJAN BOY)
What’s the difference with Love?

(BRUIN BOY)
Love knows there’s no ‘I’ in team. You’re talking about the Pac-10 Freshmen of the Year, and the Pac-10 Player of the Year. That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.

(TROJAN BOY)
Yeah, well, he’s going to need the Pac-10 Chiropractor of the Year after we’re done with him. Take that to the NCAA’s, baby!

(BRUIN BOY)
In case you haven't noticed, we have.

Cheerleaders of the Pac-10

2008-03-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Take a little video tour of the recent Pac-10 tourney, where fans couldn't quite decide on which team has the hottest cheerleaders. You tell me.

The Evolution of NBA Players

2008-03-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

Ask an NBA Ref

2008-03-05T08:05:00.000-08:00

The Dawg has been barking up too many trees lately. Therefore he will leave you with this cat from espn magazine.

And Now, Playing Towel Boy for the Los Angeles Lakers...

2008-02-26T20:37:00.001-08:00

Check out the 411 I gathered on the Lakers' Towel Boy.

Up a Creek with MLB Public Relations

2008-02-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

Click pic to enlarge (so you can read the fine print)

He Who Smelt It, Also Dealt It

2008-02-18T15:10:00.001-08:00

Republican Congressmen Elect a Candidate

2008-02-14T20:08:00.001-08:00

Next Up For The Mixed-Up Feds...

2008-02-14T19:00:00.001-08:00

story

Mavericks Introduce New MVP

2008-02-14T08:21:00.000-08:00

Most Valuable Pissant...

Do You Hereby Swear to Rob Taxpayers of Their Hard Earned Money?

2008-02-13T15:01:00.001-08:00

From L to R
"I do."
"I do."
"Hell yeah."

Congress Is Now in Session...

2008-02-11T14:57:00.001-08:00

Hey, readers! If you noted the surfboard as possible penis symbolism, double your points. As for the Rocket, too bad he's never surfed in congressional waters before. He's about to get blue crushed.

What's the Grammy's Got to Do With It?

2008-02-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

Sorry, my powers of sports coverage have been sapped by visions of Tina Turner in that tight metallic outfit at the Grammy's. I shall return with sports coverage soon. I hope.

Note to Tina: Mary wouldn't have been so proud if she saw what you were wearing. Girl, it's time to cover that sh*t up.

Beyonce: Your caboose ain't so far behind.

Pornstar Steve Kerr Lights Up Valley of Suns

2008-02-07T13:21:00.000-08:00

The Suns Could've Done Better on ebay

2008-02-07T09:33:00.001-08:00

The Needle & the Damage Done

2008-02-06T13:15:00.001-08:00

With McNamee about to drop the big one tomorrow, it appears Clemens has thrown his last pitch -- in baseball, or to the congress. Maybe Britney needs a roommate?

Hmm. What do you suppose congress will do with that finger?

A Former President Plots His Return

2008-02-05T21:15:00.000-08:00

Silent Knight, Holy Night

2008-02-04T23:24:00.001-08:00

New Yorkers Hired to Protect Giants Final Walk-through

2008-02-02T14:46:00.001-08:00

And Then There Was Only One Fan Left For Kwame

2008-02-02T13:09:00.000-08:00

Patriots Videogate: Flashback 1974

2008-02-02T00:04:00.000-08:00

Is the Super Bowl Friggin' Here Yet?

2008-01-31T07:30:00.000-08:00

Super Bowl "bye" (aka Hype) week has got to be one of the worst weeks in sports history: waiting for the Big Game, which will most likely drop with a thud by the second quarter, Eli Manning and the Giants reduced to rubble.

In fact, let's call the build-up what it really is: Greed Week. A chance for all the billion dollar corporations to show just how vital they are to our sports viewing. I'm friggin' sick of it. Play the f-ing game already and STFU.

Opportunity Knocks: The Anthony Carter Story

2008-01-30T16:01:00.000-08:00

The Nuggets Anthony Carter knows about second chances. As a high school drop-out, he didn’t have many options. It was either sell drugs and rob people, like his friends were doing, or play ball.

Carter chose the latter, and he became one of the best basketball hustlers on the streets of ATL. But he still feared he would have to turn to harder crime – like his seven uncles, all of them who had been in prison at one time or another. Fortunately, Carter found another way out.

That avenue presented itself on a night when AC had torched an opponent for thirty in midnight rec-league game. That same player asked Carter if he wanted to go back to school. He also handed him the number of a JC coach out in California.

Carter had to be prodded by a mentor, but he eventually made the call, headed west to the OC, and his legit basketball career was off and running.

But last season, after seven years in the Association, it looked like the 32-year-old Carter’s NBA run might be over. Without any interest from the league, he was forced to play for the Scafati Basket of Italy. It was the worst basketball experience of his life: a ratio of six days of practice a week to one game played, eight hour bus rides to away games, and a language barrier which made it difficult to even order at restaurants. FYI: Carter often phoned his teammates to assist him.

He grew so disenchanted, he cut a deal to buy out his contract for $75,000. He and his wife missed home, and Carter was anxious to see if there was one last shot in The Show. It was - what Carter calls - one of the biggest gambles of his life. But it paid off when the Nuggets signed him in April for one year, at $1.1 million.

This season, Carter has seized another opportunity. With Chucky Atkins sidelined, AC has moved in to the starting PG position and put up career numbers across the board.

"He's not one of these guys who puts up huge stats," says Nuggets TV analyst and former NBA player Scott Hastings, "but he always impacts the game. He's the calming force on the team, like Moses calming the seas."

Teammate Carmelo Anthony says you can count on Moses to bring toughness and energy to the floor every night. "He pushes everybody on the team," says Melo. "When he has the ball, all you have to do is keep moving and he'll find you."

Carter has become the Little Engine That Could on a team hungry for the Northwest division crown. Capturing that would mean a top three seed in the tough Western Conference playoffs. From there?

“Our leadership and character still probably isn’t championship caliber, too many emotional breakdowns on and off the court,” says coach George Karl. “But we're improving, and Anthony’s been a part of that. Anyone who says they expected this from him is crazy. Without him, we might be 15-29.”

So what has Carter done differently this time?

“I stopped drinking, and I’ve kept my body right,” Carter says. “When I was in Miami, my wife and I partied a lot. We had a lot of fun. But you gotta grow up sometime.”

He can only hope his teammates aren’t that far behind.

NOTE: The same weekend the Nuggets were in L.A., and I spoke to AC, OJ Mayo was quoted in the L.A. Times as saying he was surprised Melo was out so late the night before a game.

Tom Brady's Second Worst Nightmare

2008-01-29T20:35:00.000-08:00

"I'm going to kick Ashton Kutcher's ass. And, yeah, I may look a little small. But it's a nightmare! Duh."

Brady & Moss Pause For a Reflective Moment

2008-01-29T01:38:00.000-08:00

TB: That's not a cool thing to say.

RM: Relax. It's not like I'm prejudiced or anything.

TB: Really?

RM: Yeah, man. Some of my best friends are crackers.

TB: And me?

RM: Just throw me the ball, saltine.

Dick Loving Rabbi Predicts Super Bowl

2008-01-28T17:29:00.001-08:00

Super Bowl Week with the Patriots Cheerleaders

2008-01-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

Think a week off is easy for the Patriots cheerleaders? Well you haven't walked/cheered a mile in their skin tights. Wanna know how it really feels to be a hottie with a body? The pain, the work, the love they put into their profession? I thought you'd never ask. So, here, I bring you the Top 5 Patriots Cheerleader quotes of the week.

1."Y'all think all we do is kick and cheer and stuff. Believe me, we're not taking the week off getting our nails done. If you've ever tried syncing up a pom-pom routine, you know what I'm talking about."
- Barb Beaverstench

2. "I'm definitely rooting for the Patriots." - Cat Blondebush III

3. "People who say Randy Moss is a bad person have never got with Randy Moss. They just want to say he's a bad because they never got with him." - Muffy Tingletwat Jr.

4. "I'm not sure that coach Belichick has caught any of our routines. But he knows where to find us if he needs, like, an extra kick, or step-turn, or even just emotional support."
- Siena Sasquatchsnatch

5. "I feel really comfortable in Arizona. OMG! They have a pole in every bar. And they really know their basketball. Go Suns!"
- Violet Vaginagrinder

Fast Forward: New York Giants, February 4

2008-01-27T12:36:00.001-08:00

And Now For Another Rambo Moment

2008-01-26T18:16:00.000-08:00

Rambo is Bloody Disgusting Dot Com

2008-01-25T19:03:00.000-08:00

Oh, man, this is f-ing great. Rambo trailers running on TV are reduced to pulling quotes from, and I quote: www.bloody-disgusting.com. I didn't hotlink it because who wants to give those kiss-ass whores another red cent? I will give you tonight's Rambo moment...

QB Most Likely to be Loved in West Hollywood

2008-01-23T00:50:00.000-08:00

Sorry, Eli, "can't touch this."

You ever wondered how many dudes touch themselves imagining T.B.? Me neither.

And, oh yeah, one last thing: choosing Brady in the poll (top right of page) doesn't mean you're gay. Even if you are. And of course there's nothing wrong with that.

Snapshots From Laker Land

2008-01-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

Just thought you might appreciate a few images from the Nuggets vs. Lakers game. Ya know, a look inside the huddle, the locker room, and underneath the Laker Girl's hula-like skirts. My God, where was the luau? Ssssssssmoking. Game? What game? Can I please play pin-the-#@%# on the Laker Girls?

Hey, true story: combined weight of the Laker Girls, 98 pounds, give or a take a rice cake, or a turd the size of a fig newton.

6 Snapshots From Laker Land

1. I saw it the first time, couldn't be certain it was actually what I saw: Kobe, while on the floor, checking out something other than the game. Saw it a second time and there was no denying it, must've been the hula skirts:

"Give me a K..."

Note to Kobe: PASS!

2. Dumbass fan talking smack to Kenyon Martin. Dumbass Martin for returning serve. Dumbass Fan gets booted by Dumb & Even Dumberass security.

3. Melo struts through the tunnel like he is Al Capone leading the city of Chicago to war. I imagine Capone was tough enough to avoid the banana peel (aka Kobe's foot) and ankle sprain.

4. A.I. in the locker room commandeering the TV play-by-play. Let's hope he doesn't quit his day job anytime soon.

5. George Karl tells me if it wasn't for Anthony Carter, the Nuggets would be 16-24 and not the other way around.

b. Von Wafer refuses to comment on story I am writing about AC. Maybe a little something to do with, um, playing time? FYI: Wafer does look sharp in the layup line.

6. Chicks in the L.A. crowd know exactly what to do when they get on the Jumbotron: shake their brand new assets. Somewhere, a Beverly Hills surgeon is smiling.

b. As am I, Laker Girl. So thanks for that. I could tell you about the scenario I dreamed up but...gotta work tomorrow. And I have sheets to change.

Is this the Face of a Super Bowl Winning QB?

2008-01-21T12:07:00.000-08:00

Reasons of Love: Beijing 2008

2008-01-19T14:35:00.001-08:00

1. Chinese officials soften after meet-and-greet with the greatest fans on earth.

Billy Packer's Bitter Little Pill

2008-01-19T14:28:00.001-08:00

Because you are so hard to swallow Mr. P...

If The Worm Could Only See How It's Turned

2008-01-18T16:29:00.001-08:00

Take a look at the poll to the right: Not one f-ing vote for D-Rod. Who would've ever thunk it? Is it because he's been out of the limelight for so long? Or is it because, next to the other nutjobs, Rodman comes off as the sane one?

By the way, why hasn't his name surfaced as a possible replacement for Andrew Bynum in L.A.? J/k, but if you've seen Kwame play, you know it's not that far-fetched.

Will The Real Herschel Walker Please Stand Up?

2008-01-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

And, can you please sign my book when you do?

Anchorwoman Tries to Convert the Devil From Down Under

2008-01-17T18:15:00.000-08:00

This is sport to me. And f*cking fantastic entertainment. Note how Anchorbitch breaks out her holier-than-thou sh*t and how the Aussie punk just shuts her down. Classic. "Hey, kid, come clean on national TV right now! Or else! Or else I'll say 'or else' again." Enjoy!

Aussie Cops: Have Pepper Spray Will Use

2008-01-16T14:57:00.001-08:00

"As we run and flee..."

Tom Cruise Calls Out Tony Romo

2008-01-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

click letter to enlarge

view the video

10 Things I Hate About Your Streetball

2008-01-15T00:39:00.000-08:00

We've all been there. We're trying to do some serious balling, blow-off some steam, when one bad apple comes along and spoils the game for everyone. And the rot can spread, until it gets as bad as a lameduck political party trying to disarm the entire Middle East. OK, maybe not that lame. But, regardless, it's time I told you what the f*ck's bugging me about your game.

1. Stop calling “And-1” as you launch yet another brick over the backboard. One more, you got a house.

2. Just because you miss, doesn’t mean you got fouled. It probably means your wandering eye got lost.

3. Your elbow in my face does not constitute a foul on me. It constitutes your elbow in my face.

4. Hey, SHG -- sweaty hairy guy -- you must remain an arm's length from your opponent at all times. Especially if it's me.

5. The "argument" does not go to the one with the biggest mouth and lowest IQ. Unless he also happens to be the one with the biggest muscles.

6. BTW: You don’t have to act like an asshole just because your friends do.

7. If you make me cover the retarded guy, or a girl, don’t come down on me when I swat their shit, OK?

8. Just because you happen to be modeling your designer Fila doesn’t mean you’re touching the ball. It means you must have played a great game at the mall.

9. Message to Pretty Boy: You can stop calling for the ball now. The game's been over for like five minutes.

10. Game point is game point. No do-overs or hanging chads. Leave that crap for the departing Republican party.

Overtime:

You got game, Obama? Bring it on. (You might want to start with a few push-ups.) Hey! Look! The glue that held the Punahou together...

And, B.O.*, one little piece of advice (in case it was missed the first time around): The Mideast does not play by our set of rules. Please tell David Stern not to try to infiltrate it.

* I just realized your initials were B.O.! ROFLMAO. I'm really catching up with this campaign now!

Happy Trails T.O.

2008-01-14T10:00:00.001-08:00

It doesn't get much better in sports, seeing T.O.'s party over. And only more icing on the cake when we hear he broke down and wept like a little sissy. Who's mocking who now, T.O.?

Now get the f*ck out of here.

Colts Embarrassed by Chargers Top Secret Attack

2008-01-13T13:03:00.001-08:00

Have No Fear, Brady Could Pierce It With His Eyes Closed

2008-01-12T20:25:00.001-08:00

Not the apple...

Most Valuable Snowman Goes To...

2008-01-12T14:47:00.001-08:00

Note to Hawks "Official" Scorekeeper

2008-01-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

You have one last request.

Read it Here

Come On: Is This the Face of a Criminal?

2008-01-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

Or just one stupid motherf*cker? BTW, the Juice is no longer loose...

Celtics Goons: Where Are They Now?

2008-01-10T18:58:00.001-08:00

Probably on the frontlines of the Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers' fan club.

It's Called Mavericks for a Reason

2008-01-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

NCA: No Candyasses Allowed...

Cowboys Superfan Seeks Sunday Babysitter

2008-01-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

Must not be shy around celebrities, and/or celebrity breasts.

"Remember, honey, I wasn't the jinx last year..."

And to Think These Guys Invent Shit

2008-01-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

Another Year, Another Hall of Fame Ballot

2008-01-08T16:22:00.001-08:00

Clemens Decides to Caucus

2008-01-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

Clemens Lawyer Calls 60 Minutes Viewers Out

2008-01-07T18:13:00.000-08:00

Rusty Hardin: "Anyone not persuaded by that interview is not a well person."

Clemens DNA on B12

2008-01-07T02:40:00.001-08:00

Clemens DNA on 'Roids

2008-01-07T02:39:00.001-08:00

Bob Knight's Take Your Grandchild to Work Day

2008-01-06T09:58:00.000-08:00

Can someone please call Child Services? How bad is Knight as a grandparent? I'd rather have Michael Jackson tuck me in.

Leave Roger Alone!

2008-01-06T00:30:00.000-08:00

click the youtube logo to see more Rabbi action.

How Do You Spell L-O-S-E-R?

2008-01-05T16:48:00.002-08:00

C-A-N-S-E-C-O.