Monday, June 30, 2008

We Have Moved

Our entire schpiel has permanently moved over to our website at www.theguyreport.com. Join us there and make sure to register to keep up to date. Hasta la vista.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Did You Happen to See the Most Beautiful Girl?

OK, you recognize the lyrics. If you don't, Charlie Rich sung it. It's an old-school, cheesy kind of tune. But our Chief Guy just used the musical accompaniment in a pick-up attempt. Was he successful?

That's not the point right now. The point, is how to use creativity to enhance your pick-up skills. Because you've been using the cheesy, rehearsed lines for too long. It's time to let a little improvisation in on your act...

Walking through the grocery store, C.G. saw her standing there. (She might not have been the Most Beautiful Girl in the World, but she was certainly the MBGIS. Most Beautiful Girl in Store, and then some.) He quickly decided against the usual guy approach.* She was too sexy for that. Either he had to Go Big, or Go Home.

That's when Charlie Rich came in, his song piped in over the loud speakers. Why not? C.G. figured. He had nothing to lose.

He marched right over to her aisle and asked her if she was listening to the song. "Um, yes, dumbass, I'm not deaf."

She didn't say that. She smiled, yes, she was listening, even though it was apparent her young-school self found it rather cheesy. But that cheese-factor quickly vanished when C.G. spun it into flattery.

He told her she was the Most Beautiful Girl in the World and he wanted to go out with her. She blushed, thanked him, and said "maybe."

Once again, her answer isn't the thing here. The thing is to use the anecdote as an example of how to use your environment and surroundings to go with the creative flow. If you can spin gems like that, you will be rewarded one day. Even if she's not MBGW material.

As it happens, the song is all about break-up, which C.G. would be perfectly willing to do if the Most Beautiful Girl in the World would just go out with him once. Stay tuned.

* Ya know, pretend you just happen to need something on the aisle she is standing in. Then proceed to aisle, buy a bunch of sh*t you don't need, and still drop the ball on talking to her.

Monday, June 9, 2008

8 Ways to Tell Your Band Sucks



1. Citing Extreme Suckatude, even Myspace Tom de-friends you.

2. Groupies are weighing in at over 200lbs. Bringing their own flour to concerts.

3. Latest gig at church bake sale. They made you pay for the Cool-Aid.

4. Lead singer's looks, and talent, compared with Danny Bonaduce.

5. Lead singer actually is Danny Bonaduce.

6. People constantly complimenting you on how cool your guitar case is.

7. Concert appearances frequently end in Disturbing The Peace charges, and full cavity searches, just "because."

8. You can't get sex, and you have no drugs, and your rock n' roll sounds like a cross between a chinchilla in heat and the Iraqi National Anthem.

P.S. Oh, say, can you see, if you're a "friend" and you have this sneaking suspicion I think your band blows, please don't ever invite me again. I promise to remember you at Christmas.

Long enough to run the other way. Attention Shoppers! Sucky band member on aisle four...

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Van Winkle To Be Awoken For NBA Finals

Asleep for, what seemed like, a lifetime (but in reality, was only 6 days), while NBA marketing geniuses went about their greedy little work, Rip cannot remember the last game he witnessed.



"I just remember a really loud and obnoxious PA announcer..."

Monday, June 2, 2008

Read The Body Language, Dude



It's not hard to tell when a girl is interested in what we have to offer. (Namely, a penis.)

They're either in, or out, from the get-go. There is no thinking about it. She knows the second she sees you if there's a possibility the two of you will be sharing bodily fluids. You know the second she see you that she knows if she'll be sharing bodily fluids with you.

It's in her body language, dude. Read it. No words necessary.

You want to know what the Real Game is all about? (For absolutely, shite, nothing?) Stop trying to force the round peg into the square hole. Life's too short.