Read The Body Language, Dude

It's not hard to tell when a girl is interested in what we have to offer. (Namely, a penis.)

They're either in, or out, from the get-go. There is no thinking about it. She knows the second she sees you if there's a possibility the two of you will be sharing bodily fluids. You know the second she see you that she knows if she'll be sharing bodily fluids with you.

It's in her body language, dude. Read it. No words necessary.

You want to know what the Real Game is all about? (For absolutely, shite, nothing?) Stop trying to force the round peg into the square hole. Life's too short.

5 Things a Guy Doesn't Want to do on a Date

1. Talk.

2. Listen.

3. Shop.

4. Fart.

5. Bleed.

5 Ways to Tell a Girl Wants to Have Sex With You

1. She's in the Over-35-Still-Single-Without-Kids Club.

2. She'd rather not introduce you to her parents.

3. You spell your name: George Clooney.

4. She's just maxed out your credit card -- again.

5. She breaks out the Elisha Cuthbert poster to tape to her back.

10 Things You Don't Say to a Woman

1. Tell me your name again.

2. Your best friend is so hot.

3. Do you believe in intravenous blood exchange on a first date?

4. What about a second?

5. Can I borrow some money for dinner?

6. You call those shoes?

7. Yes, you look fat.

8. Did you just fart?

9. Mind if I smell it?

10. Would you like to go out sometime?

10 Things Guys Hate About You

1. Sunglasses

2. Drama

3. Sex in the City

4. Anorexia

5. Driving skills

6. Overweight best friend

7. Infidelity

8. Perfume

9. Syphilis

10. Da Vinci Code

10 Things a Woman Doesn't Want You to Know

1. She is going to become just like her mother.

2. She took Viagra once and sat around with some girlfriends comparing penis sizes.

3. It IS all about size.

4. She's thinks about sex as much as you do.

5. She thinks about shoes more than sex.

6. She could live without that taste in the back of her throat.

7. Your credit card makes a great lozenger.

8. She has no idea what her Chinese-symbol tramp-stamp means. Slutty?

9. When she says no she really means, "oh please, just ask me one more time so I can hold onto a modicum of my dignity."

10. PMS is a myth created by women who have no better resources to control men with.

Writer's note: Yes, I just ducked as the flower vase broke in tiny little pieces on the wall behind my head. I'm now off to the paint store. Bring you home some Haagen Dazs, honey?