5 Ways to Tell a Girl Wants to Have Sex With You

1. She's in the Over-35-Still-Single-Without-Kids Club.

2. She'd rather not introduce you to her parents.

3. You spell your name: George Clooney.

4. She's just maxed out your credit card -- again.

5. She breaks out the Elisha Cuthbert poster to tape to her back.

10 Things a Woman Doesn't Want You to Know

1. She is going to become just like her mother.

2. She took Viagra once and sat around with some girlfriends comparing penis sizes.

3. It IS all about size.

4. She's thinks about sex as much as you do.

5. She thinks about shoes more than sex.

6. She could live without that taste in the back of her throat.

7. Your credit card makes a great lozenger.

8. She has no idea what her Chinese-symbol tramp-stamp means. Slutty?

9. When she says no she really means, "oh please, just ask me one more time so I can hold onto a modicum of my dignity."

10. PMS is a myth created by women who have no better resources to control men with.

Writer's note: Yes, I just ducked as the flower vase broke in tiny little pieces on the wall behind my head. I'm now off to the paint store. Bring you home some Haagen Dazs, honey?

5 Ways to Tell a Guy Wants to Have Sex With U

1. He's awake.

2. He's awake and drunk.

3. He's awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices.

4. He's awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices and he doesn't even know you're a dude.

5. Did we mention he's awake?



"Hey, babe, is that a pencil in your panties or are you just glad to see me? And what exactly does this dollar get me anyway?"