Bonds Drops The Big One on Pearl Harbor Day

"I'd like to play in 2008." How does the San Quentin Mud Gulls strike you?

Remaining 47 Vick Dogs Placed With Rescue Groups...

Be on the lookout for 13 pay-girlfriends that still remain on the loose. If seen, please approach with extreme caution.



"I'm slugging the first one in here that calls me 'Dawg'."

IT'S OFFICIAL: BRONCOS HENRY DIDN'T INHALE

He did have to pass a lie detector test, submit a hair follicle sample, and, worst of all, he had to go through the tortuous process of breathing "second-hand" marijuana smoke. Is this the NFL or a Cheech & Chong movie?

CABRERA AND WILLIS HEADED TO MOTOR CITY
What you talkin' bout? Talkin' about the demolition project continues in FLA. Luckily no one gets to vote on it.

MORE UGLY HOOPS AT THE GARDEN
Only this time it was between USC and Memphis, the Tigers winning in OT. And forget the name of the Rose, and hold the Mayo, say hello to Devon Jefferson.

STALKING STUFFER: THE MITCHELL REPORT TO BE RELEASED BEFORE XMAS
Make no mistake, he* knows if you've been bad or good...
(*not to be confused with Jose Le Hoe Canseco)

OFFICIAL REPORT: ROLLE UNHAPPY HE WAS CALLED A BOY
Runs right home and tells his agent.

ANDERSON VAREJAO FINALLY SIGNS OFFER SHEET WITH BOBCATS
There hasn't been a holdout this insignificant since K-Fed refused to sign the divorce papers.

BRIAN BILLICK BITES HEAD OFF CHICKEN

A FORTUITOUS FOURTH SEES PATRIOTS STICK TOGETHER IN PERFECTION
While Raven players wonder if their coaching staff is with or against them.

NOTE TO MIKE TIRICO:
Tone it the Fu*k down!

BRUINS FALL TO NO.8 IN LATEST CBA POLL
One question: Where was the Love?

KEVIN DURANT A LOCK FOR R.O.Y.
What else do you give the player with the worst plus/minus in the league?

BULLS FUTILITY CONTINUES AGAINST MAVS
John Paxson seen scouting halftime shooting contest.

UCLA HANDS KARL DORRELL HIS WALKING PAPERS
Only five black coaches left at 119 major programs. This is no "dawg." This is sad.

YANKS TALK TOUGH: GIVE TWINS MONDAY NIGHT DEADLINE ON SANTANA
Carlos wonders if Bronx Bombers will ever change their evil ways.

CUBAN STILL COVETS CUBBIES
Calls it a "passion project." The passion to make a few gazillion more bucks.

NOTRE DAME'S CHARLIE WEIS CAPTURES YESTERDAY'S YOGI BERRA AWARD
"What you have to do is win more football games."

THE BCS DANCE IS HERE! WHAT WOULD MARIE OSMOND DO?

BCS HANDS OUT TICKETS
Fortunately Marie Osmond not invited. P.S. And you won't want to miss that San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl!

JAMARCUS SIGHTING IN OAKLAND
As was a Raider team -- for a day.

IF LUKE WALTON WASN'T A LEGACY, WOULD HE BE IN THE NBA?
I know, I know, he has a great basketball IQ. But so do I and I'm not even starting for my Y-rec league team.

SEEN AT LAKER GAME: LAMAR ODOM TALKING SMACK WITH DWIGHT HOWARD
Hey, L.O., isn't the time for talk over? Oh yeah, Coach wants you to take more 3's. Not.

LONGHORNS SHOW UCLA THE LOVE WITH 8SEC TO GO
Love himself saddled with a case of the White Man Disease during game: Big, slow and in foul trouble.

SONICS SCOREBOARD CATCHES FIRE
You see, even being a Sonic scoreboard is hell. Scoreboard: "I've lost count! I'm burning up! Get me the hell out of this city!"

KNICKS FAIL (ONCE AGAIN) TO MAKE IT UP THE HILL
It's like they're rolling down the other side in a drunken frat haze.

WHAT'S UP WITH FRANK BEAMER'S THIRD CHIN?

It almost made me blow my lunch.

ANOTHER USELESS BROAD ON SIDELINES
Lisa Salters during last night's Missouri/OU game: "Chase Daniels is fuming!" Cut to Daniels sitting on the bench looking as cool as a cucumber. "Oops! Never mind."

SIGN SPOTTED AT MAVS/HORNETS GAME
"Dirk makes me want to be German." To the moron that actually spent all week thinking that one up: Auf Wiedersehen.

RODNEY PEETE INTRODUCES LINEUP FOR TROJANS
Rob Reiner for UCLA. Hmm. What position did he play? Lunch line safety? Meathead.

MUSWOODY (NOUN)
That which occurs when Brent Musburger sees anything go down on a football field. Can someone please lessen the Viagra dosage?

AMOUNT OF TIMES VERNE LUNDQUIST SAYS "MY GOODNESS" A GAME
Lost count.

SUSPECTED COACH ISIAH SIGHTING AT GARDEN

STAN VAN GUNDY FOR COACH OF YEAR
Isiah Thomas for Coach of the Night -- in the northeastern section of the country, excluding the Syracuse University Intramural League.

"NBA: WHERE AMAZING HAPPENS"
Except if you're a Knicks fan.

USA DAVIS CUP ON VERGE OF FIRST CHAMPIONSHIP SINCE '95
Three viewers excited. What's up with that? Gooooooo team?

TO THE UPTIGHT COMMENTATOR GANG: HUBIE AND DOUG
For how it's done right, see: Majerle, Dan. It ain't brain surgery. You guys really need to sit on a whoopee cushion or something.

D-HOWARD=MONSTER
D-HOWARD'S FTs=MOUSE
Subtract the mouse from the monster and what you get is a Manster. He'll still eat you alive.

KNIEVEL: OCTOBER 17, 1938 - NOVEMBER 30, 2007