6 Things You Shouldn't Be Saying to Your Stalker

1. Hello.

2. Do you park here often?

3. I've seen bigger penises on my brothers.

4. I bet that made you real popular in high school.

5. Sure, I'll get in.

6. I hope you don't mind yeast infections.

10 Things Verne Troyer Would Do For an Encore

1. Sniff blow off a hooker's ass while farting the National Anthem.

2. Challenge a mouse to a skateboard race.

3. Bang any living munchkin from the Wizard of Oz.

4. Shave Mike Myers pubes and save them in a jar by his bed.

5. Marry a vegetable named Demetri.

6. Audition to find "love" with Tila Tequila.

7. Demonstrate his fine mastery of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

8. Apply to be paper weight between Mary Carey's breasts.

9. Nominate Pop Tarts as the number one snack food for diabetic children.

10. Reveal he was also a high-priced Spitzer Girl.

Laker Fans Finding Love All Over Again

"Hey, those colors look great on you. Do you come here often?"

Obama For a Spam Free America

Just isn't going to happen.

I made the mistake of contacting Obama's "team" in an effort to get the skinny smoker to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E for ESPN. No reply, only ObamaSpam, every single day. It brought to mind a sad fact of American politics: It's all about "the sell" and little about the people.

"By the people, for the people," I think not. I know not.

In my mind, Obama is now directly on par with that Nigerian King's daughter and the plentiful offers of a bigger penis. He's a lot of puff with little substance. Kind of like the supermodel who fails to eat her rice cake and is in jeopardy of being blown away by the slightest breeze.

5 Things a Guy Doesn't Want to do on a Date

1. Talk.

2. Listen.

3. Shop.

4. Fart.

5. Bleed.

NBA Poser Suffers From Severe Case of Premature Thugulation

Washington D.C. - It occurred in the first quarter of today's game against the Cleveland Cavs. The Washington Wizard's DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. Wait, stop that sentence. It's juicy enough to repeat: DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. What a concept. Remind me how long he's been in the NBA for?

What happened next was the even more surprising: DeShawn did that genius "wave his hand in front of his face" thing, then followed it up with a nomination for The David Stern Sportsmanship of the Year Award: The throat slash. The: I-just-kicked-your-ass (on one basket, in the first quarter) and-blood-is-pouring-out-of-your-neck, let-me-call-the-paramedics throat slash.

His victim? LeBron James -- who the genius Stevenson has been calling overrated. Note to Stevenson: scoreboard says 3-1. And LeBron right around 30 a game. How genius can you be now?

Last note to the Wizard Whose Wand is Flaccid: You got beat on a shot by someone who actually looks like he could be a real-life thug: Delonte West. Real-life thugs don't have to "talk the talk." They just beat you, DeShawn, until, hopefully, you can't ever talk again.

And The Worst Trade of the NBA Century Goes to...