5 Reason Guys Don't Get Laid

1. Lack of confidence.

2. Toooo desperate.

3. Trying to play in majors when they should stay in the minors.

4. Still living with their parents.

5. Fugly. Real fugging fugly.

5 Ways to Tell a Girl Wants to Have Sex With You

1. She's in the Over-35-Still-Single-Without-Kids Club.

2. She'd rather not introduce you to her parents.

3. You spell your name: George Clooney.

4. She's just maxed out your credit card -- again.

5. She breaks out the Elisha Cuthbert poster to tape to her back.

Tina Fey Finally Gets Her Wish

9 Things Guys Regret Most

1. Not asking for her number.

2. Not getting a BJ.

3. Missing their favorite team because they were hanging out not getting a BJ.

4. The next morning -- and the creature lying by their side.

5. Amount of cash spent on creature.

6. Having to utter the "L" word.

7. Bringing up the latest rash flash-point (right before uttering the "L" word).

8. The 4-hour erection on the country farm.

9. Not sticking with the sheep.

The 5 Biggest - Female - Lies of Internet Dating

1. Pictures

OK, girls: How about you snap a current picture, or three, and not use one from your high school year book? Or the one with the fancy "mood" lighting. Guess what? You might have to meet us one day. You know the mood then? Awkwwwwwwward.

2. Smoking

Last time we checked, "absolutely not" under the smoking question meant, yup, absolutely not. If you have a slight problem of chain smoking a pack a day, guess what? It's a no-brainer. You're a smoker! Next.

3. Health

"Keeping it healthy" does not mean you dine out for Krispy Kremes at midnight and your breakfast consists of Twinkies and Red Bull. It means: balanced diet, the kind that'll help you stop that twitching!

4. Workout

OK, working out "5 times a week" does not translate into walking from your car to get the KrispyKremes. Note: This DOES NOT HELP the twitching. And please: Don't point at your belly and say it would take you a week to get it in shape. It would take you: NEVER, that's how long.

5. Age

If you're 38 in real life, that doesn't make you 29 on the Internet. It makes you 38. We know how hard it is for you to DO THE MATH, but trust us: You're over-the-hill. It's time you started acting your age and started accepting advances from the creeps down at the Home Depot.



P.S. By the way, we still like romantic walks on the beach, poetry and FURRY animals. And occasionally a giant taco.

The 6 Best Ways to Meet Girls This Weekend

1. Practice human pretzel moves in yoga class.

2. Squeeze melons at a farmer's market.

3. Locate nearest Emperor's Club, spend trust fund.

4. Pantie (i.e. thong) raid!

5. Gothicmatch.com.

6. Vegas.

10 Things You Don't Say to a Woman

1. Tell me your name again.

2. Your best friend is so hot.

3. Do you believe in intravenous blood exchange on a first date?

4. What about a second?

5. Can I borrow some money for dinner?

6. You call those shoes?

7. Yes, you look fat.

8. Did you just fart?

9. Mind if I smell it?

10. Would you like to go out sometime?