8 Ways to Tell Your Band Sucks

1. Citing Extreme Suckatude, even Myspace Tom de-friends you.

2. Groupies are weighing in at over 200lbs. Bringing their own flour to concerts.

3. Latest gig at church bake sale. They made you pay for the Cool-Aid.

4. Lead singer's looks, and talent, compared with Danny Bonaduce.

5. Lead singer actually is Danny Bonaduce.

6. People constantly complimenting you on how cool your guitar case is.

7. Concert appearances frequently end in Disturbing The Peace charges, and full cavity searches, just "because."

8. You can't get sex, and you have no drugs, and your rock n' roll sounds like a cross between a chinchilla in heat and the Iraqi National Anthem.

P.S. Oh, say, can you see, if you're a "friend" and you have this sneaking suspicion I think your band blows, please don't ever invite me again. I promise to remember you at Christmas.

Long enough to run the other way. Attention Shoppers! Sucky band member on aisle four...

Van Winkle To Be Awoken For NBA Finals

Asleep for, what seemed like, a lifetime (but in reality, was only 6 days), while NBA marketing geniuses went about their greedy little work, Rip cannot remember the last game he witnessed.



"I just remember a really loud and obnoxious PA announcer..."

Read The Body Language, Dude

It's not hard to tell when a girl is interested in what we have to offer. (Namely, a penis.)

They're either in, or out, from the get-go. There is no thinking about it. She knows the second she sees you if there's a possibility the two of you will be sharing bodily fluids. You know the second she see you that she knows if she'll be sharing bodily fluids with you.

It's in her body language, dude. Read it. No words necessary.

You want to know what the Real Game is all about? (For absolutely, shite, nothing?) Stop trying to force the round peg into the square hole. Life's too short.

The Two Faces of David Stern

David Stern on the possibility the Pistons and Spurs could meet in the finals...



David Stern after the Pistons and Spurs don't make the finals...

Mike Breen's Mentor a Chicken

"He just took the ball out of bounds!!!!!!!!!"

A Message to Kobe Haters

You can exhale now. He isn't going to self-destruct.

10 Words Women Don't Want to Hear Out of Your Mouth

1. I

2. was

3. only

4. using

5. you

6. because

7. I

8. was

9. hard

10. up