Tuesday, January 15, 2008

10 Things I Hate About Your Streetball



We've all been there. We're trying to do some serious balling, blow-off some steam, when one bad apple comes along and spoils the game for everyone. And the rot can spread, until it gets as bad as a lameduck political party trying to disarm the entire Middle East. OK, maybe not that lame. But, regardless, it's time I told you what the f*ck's bugging me about your game.

1. Stop calling “And-1” as you launch yet another brick over the backboard. One more, you got a house.

2. Just because you miss, doesn’t mean you got fouled. It probably means your wandering eye got lost.

3. Your elbow in my face does not constitute a foul on me. It constitutes your elbow in my face.


4. Hey, SHG -- sweaty hairy guy -- you must remain an arm's length from your opponent at all times. Especially if it's me.

5. The "argument" does not go to the one with the biggest mouth and lowest IQ. Unless he also happens to be the one with the biggest muscles.

6. BTW: You don’t have to act like an asshole just because your friends do.

7. If you make me cover the retarded guy, or a girl, don’t come down on me when I swat their shit, OK?

8. Just because you happen to be modeling your designer Fila doesn’t mean you’re touching the ball. It means you must have played a great game at the mall.


9. Message to Pretty Boy: You can stop calling for the ball now. The game's been over for like five minutes.

10. Game point is game point. No do-overs or hanging chads. Leave that crap for the departing Republican party.


Overtime:

You got game, Obama? Bring it on. (You might want to start with a few push-ups.) Hey! Look! The glue that held the Punahou together...



And, B.O.*, one little piece of advice (in case it was missed the first time around): The Mideast does not play by our set of rules. Please tell David Stern not to try to infiltrate it.

* I just realized your initials were B.O.! ROFLMAO. I'm really catching up with this campaign now!

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