Thursday, January 31, 2008

Is the Super Bowl Friggin' Here Yet?



Super Bowl "bye" (aka Hype) week has got to be one of the worst weeks in sports history: waiting for the Big Game, which will most likely drop with a thud by the second quarter, Eli Manning and the Giants reduced to rubble.

In fact, let's call the build-up what it really is: Greed Week. A chance for all the billion dollar corporations to show just how vital they are to our sports viewing. I'm friggin' sick of it. Play the f-ing game already and STFU.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Opportunity Knocks: The Anthony Carter Story

The Nuggets Anthony Carter knows about second chances. As a high school drop-out, he didn’t have many options. It was either sell drugs and rob people, like his friends were doing, or play ball.

Carter chose the latter, and he became one of the best basketball hustlers on the streets of ATL. But he still feared he would have to turn to harder crime – like his seven uncles, all of them who had been in prison at one time or another. Fortunately, Carter found another way out.

That avenue presented itself on a night when AC had torched an opponent for thirty in midnight rec-league game. That same player asked Carter if he wanted to go back to school. He also handed him the number of a JC coach out in California.

Carter had to be prodded by a mentor, but he eventually made the call, headed west to the OC, and his legit basketball career was off and running.

But last season, after seven years in the Association, it looked like the 32-year-old Carter’s NBA run might be over. Without any interest from the league, he was forced to play for the Scafati Basket of Italy. It was the worst basketball experience of his life: a ratio of six days of practice a week to one game played, eight hour bus rides to away games, and a language barrier which made it difficult to even order at restaurants. FYI: Carter often phoned his teammates to assist him.

He grew so disenchanted, he cut a deal to buy out his contract for $75,000. He and his wife missed home, and Carter was anxious to see if there was one last shot in The Show. It was - what Carter calls - one of the biggest gambles of his life. But it paid off when the Nuggets signed him in April for one year, at $1.1 million.

This season, Carter has seized another opportunity. With Chucky Atkins sidelined, AC has moved in to the starting PG position and put up career numbers across the board.

"He's not one of these guys who puts up huge stats," says Nuggets TV analyst and former NBA player Scott Hastings, "but he always impacts the game. He's the calming force on the team, like Moses calming the seas."

Teammate Carmelo Anthony says you can count on Moses to bring toughness and energy to the floor every night. "He pushes everybody on the team," says Melo. "When he has the ball, all you have to do is keep moving and he'll find you."

Carter has become the Little Engine That Could on a team hungry for the Northwest division crown. Capturing that would mean a top three seed in the tough Western Conference playoffs. From there?

“Our leadership and character still probably isn’t championship caliber, too many emotional breakdowns on and off the court,” says coach George Karl. “But we're improving, and Anthony’s been a part of that. Anyone who says they expected this from him is crazy. Without him, we might be 15-29.”

So what has Carter done differently this time?

“I stopped drinking, and I’ve kept my body right,” Carter says. “When I was in Miami, my wife and I partied a lot. We had a lot of fun. But you gotta grow up sometime.”

He can only hope his teammates aren’t that far behind.

NOTE: The same weekend the Nuggets were in L.A., and I spoke to AC, OJ Mayo was quoted in the L.A. Times as saying he was surprised Melo was out so late the night before a game.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tom Brady's Second Worst Nightmare



"I'm going to kick Ashton Kutcher's ass. And, yeah, I may look a little small. But it's a nightmare! Duh."

Brady & Moss Pause For a Reflective Moment



TB: That's not a cool thing to say.

RM: Relax. It's not like I'm prejudiced or anything.

TB: Really?

RM: Yeah, man. Some of my best friends are crackers.

TB: And me?

RM: Just throw me the ball, saltine.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Dick Loving Rabbi Predicts Super Bowl

Super Bowl Week with the Patriots Cheerleaders

Think a week off is easy for the Patriots cheerleaders? Well you haven't walked/cheered a mile in their skin tights. Wanna know how it really feels to be a hottie with a body? The pain, the work, the love they put into their profession? I thought you'd never ask. So, here, I bring you the Top 5 Patriots Cheerleader quotes of the week.


1."Y'all think all we do is kick and cheer and stuff. Believe me, we're not taking the week off getting our nails done. If you've ever tried syncing up a pom-pom routine, you know what I'm talking about."
- Barb Beaverstench

2. "I'm definitely rooting for the Patriots." - Cat Blondebush III

3. "People who say Randy Moss is a bad person have never got with Randy Moss. They just want to say he's a bad because they never got with him." - Muffy Tingletwat Jr.

4. "I'm not sure that coach Belichick has caught any of our routines. But he knows where to find us if he needs, like, an extra kick, or step-turn, or even just emotional support."
- Siena Sasquatchsnatch

5. "I feel really comfortable in Arizona. OMG! They have a pole in every bar. And they really know their basketball. Go Suns!"
- Violet Vaginagrinder

Friday, January 25, 2008

Rambo is Bloody Disgusting Dot Com

Oh, man, this is f-ing great. Rambo trailers running on TV are reduced to pulling quotes from, and I quote: www.bloody-disgusting.com. I didn't hotlink it because who wants to give those kiss-ass whores another red cent? I will give you tonight's Rambo moment...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

QB Most Likely to be Loved in West Hollywood



Sorry, Eli, "can't touch this."

You ever wondered how many dudes touch themselves imagining T.B.? Me neither.

And, oh yeah, one last thing: choosing Brady in the poll (top right of page) doesn't mean you're gay. Even if you are. And of course there's nothing wrong with that.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Snapshots From Laker Land

Just thought you might appreciate a few images from the Nuggets vs. Lakers game. Ya know, a look inside the huddle, the locker room, and underneath the Laker Girl's hula-like skirts. My God, where was the luau? Ssssssssmoking. Game? What game? Can I please play pin-the-#@%# on the Laker Girls?



Hey, true story: combined weight of the Laker Girls, 98 pounds, give or a take a rice cake, or a turd the size of a fig newton.



6 Snapshots From Laker Land

1. I saw it the first time, couldn't be certain it was actually what I saw: Kobe, while on the floor, checking out something other than the game. Saw it a second time and there was no denying it, must've been the hula skirts:

"Give me a K..."

Note to Kobe: PASS!

2. Dumbass fan talking smack to Kenyon Martin. Dumbass Martin for returning serve. Dumbass Fan gets booted by Dumb & Even Dumberass security.

3. Melo struts through the tunnel like he is Al Capone leading the city of Chicago to war. I imagine Capone was tough enough to avoid the banana peel (aka Kobe's foot) and ankle sprain.

4. A.I. in the locker room commandeering the TV play-by-play. Let's hope he doesn't quit his day job anytime soon.

5. George Karl tells me if it wasn't for Anthony Carter, the Nuggets would be 16-24 and not the other way around.

b. Von Wafer refuses to comment on story I am writing about AC. Maybe a little something to do with, um, playing time? FYI: Wafer does look sharp in the layup line.

6. Chicks in the L.A. crowd know exactly what to do when they get on the Jumbotron: shake their brand new assets. Somewhere, a Beverly Hills surgeon is smiling.

b. As am I, Laker Girl. So thanks for that. I could tell you about the scenario I dreamed up but...gotta work tomorrow. And I have sheets to change.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Reasons of Love: Beijing 2008

1. Chinese officials soften after meet-and-greet with the greatest fans on earth.



Billy Packer's Bitter Little Pill

Because you are so hard to swallow Mr. P...

Friday, January 18, 2008

If The Worm Could Only See How It's Turned

Take a look at the poll to the right: Not one f-ing vote for D-Rod. Who would've ever thunk it? Is it because he's been out of the limelight for so long? Or is it because, next to the other nutjobs, Rodman comes off as the sane one?

By the way, why hasn't his name surfaced as a possible replacement for Andrew Bynum in L.A.? J/k, but if you've seen Kwame play, you know it's not that far-fetched.

Will The Real Herschel Walker Please Stand Up?

And, can you please sign my book when you do?



Thursday, January 17, 2008

Anchorwoman Tries to Convert the Devil From Down Under

This is sport to me. And f*cking fantastic entertainment. Note how Anchorbitch breaks out her holier-than-thou sh*t and how the Aussie punk just shuts her down. Classic. "Hey, kid, come clean on national TV right now! Or else! Or else I'll say 'or else' again." Enjoy!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

10 Things I Hate About Your Streetball



We've all been there. We're trying to do some serious balling, blow-off some steam, when one bad apple comes along and spoils the game for everyone. And the rot can spread, until it gets as bad as a lameduck political party trying to disarm the entire Middle East. OK, maybe not that lame. But, regardless, it's time I told you what the f*ck's bugging me about your game.

1. Stop calling “And-1” as you launch yet another brick over the backboard. One more, you got a house.

2. Just because you miss, doesn’t mean you got fouled. It probably means your wandering eye got lost.

3. Your elbow in my face does not constitute a foul on me. It constitutes your elbow in my face.


4. Hey, SHG -- sweaty hairy guy -- you must remain an arm's length from your opponent at all times. Especially if it's me.

5. The "argument" does not go to the one with the biggest mouth and lowest IQ. Unless he also happens to be the one with the biggest muscles.

6. BTW: You don’t have to act like an asshole just because your friends do.

7. If you make me cover the retarded guy, or a girl, don’t come down on me when I swat their shit, OK?

8. Just because you happen to be modeling your designer Fila doesn’t mean you’re touching the ball. It means you must have played a great game at the mall.


9. Message to Pretty Boy: You can stop calling for the ball now. The game's been over for like five minutes.

10. Game point is game point. No do-overs or hanging chads. Leave that crap for the departing Republican party.


Overtime:

You got game, Obama? Bring it on. (You might want to start with a few push-ups.) Hey! Look! The glue that held the Punahou together...



And, B.O.*, one little piece of advice (in case it was missed the first time around): The Mideast does not play by our set of rules. Please tell David Stern not to try to infiltrate it.

* I just realized your initials were B.O.! ROFLMAO. I'm really catching up with this campaign now!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Happy Trails T.O.

It doesn't get much better in sports, seeing T.O.'s party over. And only more icing on the cake when we hear he broke down and wept like a little sissy. Who's mocking who now, T.O.?



Now get the f*ck out of here.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Celtics Goons: Where Are They Now?



Probably on the frontlines of the Danny Ainge and Doc Rivers' fan club.

It's Called Mavericks for a Reason

NCA: No Candyasses Allowed...

Cowboys Superfan Seeks Sunday Babysitter

Must not be shy around celebrities, and/or celebrity breasts.



"Remember, honey, I wasn't the jinx last year..."

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Bob Knight's Take Your Grandchild to Work Day



Can someone please call Child Services? How bad is Knight as a grandparent? I'd rather have Michael Jackson tuck me in.

Leave Roger Alone!




click the youtube logo to see more Rabbi action.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

College Bowl Game Junkies Take Note

January 8 will be a hard day for you. You will survive. Drink lots of fluids, read more, and increase rate of masturbation while visualizing world peace. You might also find some tips on how to come down from your Bowl habit here.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

At Least Isiah's Daily Show Is Funny

"I want to leave something that's going to stand for a long time. I want to leave a legacy, I want to leave tradition. I want to leave...



We feel your pain New York.

Original story.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008