Laker Fans Finding Love All Over Again

"Hey, those colors look great on you. Do you come here often?"

Obama For a Spam Free America

Just isn't going to happen.

I made the mistake of contacting Obama's "team" in an effort to get the skinny smoker to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E for ESPN. No reply, only ObamaSpam, every single day. It brought to mind a sad fact of American politics: It's all about "the sell" and little about the people.

"By the people, for the people," I think not. I know not.

In my mind, Obama is now directly on par with that Nigerian King's daughter and the plentiful offers of a bigger penis. He's a lot of puff with little substance. Kind of like the supermodel who fails to eat her rice cake and is in jeopardy of being blown away by the slightest breeze.

5 Things a Guy Doesn't Want to do on a Date

1. Talk.

2. Listen.

3. Shop.

4. Fart.

5. Bleed.

NBA Poser Suffers From Severe Case of Premature Thugulation

Washington D.C. - It occurred in the first quarter of today's game against the Cleveland Cavs. The Washington Wizard's DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. Wait, stop that sentence. It's juicy enough to repeat: DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. What a concept. Remind me how long he's been in the NBA for?

What happened next was the even more surprising: DeShawn did that genius "wave his hand in front of his face" thing, then followed it up with a nomination for The David Stern Sportsmanship of the Year Award: The throat slash. The: I-just-kicked-your-ass (on one basket, in the first quarter) and-blood-is-pouring-out-of-your-neck, let-me-call-the-paramedics throat slash.

His victim? LeBron James -- who the genius Stevenson has been calling overrated. Note to Stevenson: scoreboard says 3-1. And LeBron right around 30 a game. How genius can you be now?

Last note to the Wizard Whose Wand is Flaccid: You got beat on a shot by someone who actually looks like he could be a real-life thug: Delonte West. Real-life thugs don't have to "talk the talk." They just beat you, DeShawn, until, hopefully, you can't ever talk again.

And The Worst Trade of the NBA Century Goes to...

5 Reason Guys Don't Get Laid

1. Lack of confidence.

2. Toooo desperate.

3. Trying to play in majors when they should stay in the minors.

4. Still living with their parents.

5. Fugly. Real fugging fugly.

5 Ways to Tell a Girl Wants to Have Sex With You

1. She's in the Over-35-Still-Single-Without-Kids Club.

2. She'd rather not introduce you to her parents.

3. You spell your name: George Clooney.

4. She's just maxed out your credit card -- again.

5. She breaks out the Elisha Cuthbert poster to tape to her back.

Tina Fey Finally Gets Her Wish

9 Things Guys Regret Most

1. Not asking for her number.

2. Not getting a BJ.

3. Missing their favorite team because they were hanging out not getting a BJ.

4. The next morning -- and the creature lying by their side.

5. Amount of cash spent on creature.

6. Having to utter the "L" word.

7. Bringing up the latest rash flash-point (right before uttering the "L" word).

8. The 4-hour erection on the country farm.

9. Not sticking with the sheep.

The 5 Biggest - Female - Lies of Internet Dating

1. Pictures

OK, girls: How about you snap a current picture, or three, and not use one from your high school year book? Or the one with the fancy "mood" lighting. Guess what? You might have to meet us one day. You know the mood then? Awkwwwwwwward.

2. Smoking

Last time we checked, "absolutely not" under the smoking question meant, yup, absolutely not. If you have a slight problem of chain smoking a pack a day, guess what? It's a no-brainer. You're a smoker! Next.

3. Health

"Keeping it healthy" does not mean you dine out for Krispy Kremes at midnight and your breakfast consists of Twinkies and Red Bull. It means: balanced diet, the kind that'll help you stop that twitching!

4. Workout

OK, working out "5 times a week" does not translate into walking from your car to get the KrispyKremes. Note: This DOES NOT HELP the twitching. And please: Don't point at your belly and say it would take you a week to get it in shape. It would take you: NEVER, that's how long.

5. Age

If you're 38 in real life, that doesn't make you 29 on the Internet. It makes you 38. We know how hard it is for you to DO THE MATH, but trust us: You're over-the-hill. It's time you started acting your age and started accepting advances from the creeps down at the Home Depot.



P.S. By the way, we still like romantic walks on the beach, poetry and FURRY animals. And occasionally a giant taco.

The 6 Best Ways to Meet Girls This Weekend

1. Practice human pretzel moves in yoga class.

2. Squeeze melons at a farmer's market.

3. Locate nearest Emperor's Club, spend trust fund.

4. Pantie (i.e. thong) raid!

5. Gothicmatch.com.

6. Vegas.

10 Things You Don't Say to a Woman

1. Tell me your name again.

2. Your best friend is so hot.

3. Do you believe in intravenous blood exchange on a first date?

4. What about a second?

5. Can I borrow some money for dinner?

6. You call those shoes?

7. Yes, you look fat.

8. Did you just fart?

9. Mind if I smell it?

10. Would you like to go out sometime?

Top 5 Remedies For Guys Who Choke

1. Hug From Mommy

2. Mass Alcohol

3. Strippers

4. Virgin Suicides (w/basketball players)

5. FT Practice

10 Things Guys Hate About You

1. Sunglasses

2. Drama

3. Sex in the City

4. Anorexia

5. Driving skills

6. Overweight best friend

7. Infidelity

8. Perfume

9. Syphilis

10. Da Vinci Code

Naomi Campbell's Heathrow Hissy Fit

5 Reasons You Know She's a Psycho

1. Thinks her meds are Flinstone vitamins.

2. Keeps referring to you as "that guy."

3. Writes songs about her 23 stray cats and a bong.

4."Accidentally" invites dad to cam when she's giving you head.

5. Likes talking to dead tree bark for moral support.

14 Things a Guy Won't Do With You (unless you're Hot)

1. Have sex with you on your period

2. Meet your friends, even worse, your family

3. Let you have the dry spot

4. Watch chick flicks

5. Buy you flowers

6. Listen to your complaints

7. Wear your panties

8. Go dancing

9. Enact PDA

10. Use a condom

11. Pick up your dog's poop

12. Go down on you

13. Write a song about you

14. Admit he's a major asshole

PS. Remember, hot chicks dig the a-holes
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

14 Things a Guy Doesn't Mention on First Dates

1. Condi Rice

2. Three-ways

3. Herpes

4. Past stalking experience

5. Politics

6. Tom of myspace

7. Circumcision

8. Homoerotic tendencies

9. Shopping

10. Home Depot employment

11. "Mother"

12. Anthony Hopkins

13. Vegas

14. Vagina Monologues

21 Things Guys Don't Like

1. Condoms

2. Mother-in-laws

3. Directions

4. WNBA

5. Cosmopolitans

6. Mazda Miatas

7. Hairy bush

8. Hillary '08

9. Cockblocking

10. Tupperware

11. Valentine's Day

12. Shopping

13. Rice cakes

14. Opera

15. Erectile dysfunction

16. Cialis ads

17. Hippies

18. Smelly hippies

19. Apologizing

20. Bouncers

21. Oprah