Is It Just Me?

Or does Archie Manning look like Woody Allen's younger brother? Good news: Manning does not have an Asian baby sitter.

Check out the new site: www.theguyreport.com
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People's Retardation of China: An Olympic Blog

Hey, Kids! We're blogging about the Olympics over at the new site. C'mon over and leave this old lady behind!

Madonna A-Rod Text Messages

Read the rest of the messages straight from the source.

We Have Moved

Our entire schpiel has permanently moved over to our website at www.theguyreport.com. Join us there and make sure to register to keep up to date. Hasta la vista.

Did You Happen to See the Most Beautiful Girl?

OK, you recognize the lyrics. If you don't, Charlie Rich sung it. It's an old-school, cheesy kind of tune. But our Chief Guy just used the musical accompaniment in a pick-up attempt. Was he successful?

That's not the point right now. The point, is how to use creativity to enhance your pick-up skills. Because you've been using the cheesy, rehearsed lines for too long. It's time to let a little improvisation in on your act...

Walking through the grocery store, C.G. saw her standing there. (She might not have been the Most Beautiful Girl in the World, but she was certainly the MBGIS. Most Beautiful Girl in Store, and then some.) He quickly decided against the usual guy approach.* She was too sexy for that. Either he had to Go Big, or Go Home.

That's when Charlie Rich came in, his song piped in over the loud speakers. Why not? C.G. figured. He had nothing to lose.

He marched right over to her aisle and asked her if she was listening to the song. "Um, yes, dumbass, I'm not deaf."

She didn't say that. She smiled, yes, she was listening, even though it was apparent her young-school self found it rather cheesy. But that cheese-factor quickly vanished when C.G. spun it into flattery.

He told her she was the Most Beautiful Girl in the World and he wanted to go out with her. She blushed, thanked him, and said "maybe."

Once again, her answer isn't the thing here. The thing is to use the anecdote as an example of how to use your environment and surroundings to go with the creative flow. If you can spin gems like that, you will be rewarded one day. Even if she's not MBGW material.

As it happens, the song is all about break-up, which C.G. would be perfectly willing to do if the Most Beautiful Girl in the World would just go out with him once. Stay tuned.

* Ya know, pretend you just happen to need something on the aisle she is standing in. Then proceed to aisle, buy a bunch of sh*t you don't need, and still drop the ball on talking to her.

8 Ways to Tell Your Band Sucks

1. Citing Extreme Suckatude, even Myspace Tom de-friends you.

2. Groupies are weighing in at over 200lbs. Bringing their own flour to concerts.

3. Latest gig at church bake sale. They made you pay for the Cool-Aid.

4. Lead singer's looks, and talent, compared with Danny Bonaduce.

5. Lead singer actually is Danny Bonaduce.

6. People constantly complimenting you on how cool your guitar case is.

7. Concert appearances frequently end in Disturbing The Peace charges, and full cavity searches, just "because."

8. You can't get sex, and you have no drugs, and your rock n' roll sounds like a cross between a chinchilla in heat and the Iraqi National Anthem.

P.S. Oh, say, can you see, if you're a "friend" and you have this sneaking suspicion I think your band blows, please don't ever invite me again. I promise to remember you at Christmas.

Long enough to run the other way. Attention Shoppers! Sucky band member on aisle four...

Van Winkle To Be Awoken For NBA Finals

Asleep for, what seemed like, a lifetime (but in reality, was only 6 days), while NBA marketing geniuses went about their greedy little work, Rip cannot remember the last game he witnessed.



"I just remember a really loud and obnoxious PA announcer..."

Read The Body Language, Dude

It's not hard to tell when a girl is interested in what we have to offer. (Namely, a penis.)

They're either in, or out, from the get-go. There is no thinking about it. She knows the second she sees you if there's a possibility the two of you will be sharing bodily fluids. You know the second she see you that she knows if she'll be sharing bodily fluids with you.

It's in her body language, dude. Read it. No words necessary.

You want to know what the Real Game is all about? (For absolutely, shite, nothing?) Stop trying to force the round peg into the square hole. Life's too short.

The Two Faces of David Stern

David Stern on the possibility the Pistons and Spurs could meet in the finals...



David Stern after the Pistons and Spurs don't make the finals...

Mike Breen's Mentor a Chicken

"He just took the ball out of bounds!!!!!!!!!"

A Message to Kobe Haters

You can exhale now. He isn't going to self-destruct.

10 Words Women Don't Want to Hear Out of Your Mouth

1. I

2. was

3. only

4. using

5. you

6. because

7. I

8. was

9. hard

10. up

8 Reasons Why Men Are Men

1. Because it's cool.

2. Because we are.

3. Because we came.

4. We saw.

5. We conquered.

6. We kicked ass.

7. Then we came again.

8. And we forgot to get her name.

10 Ways to Say 'I Hate You' to an Ex

1. "I hate you."

2. Mail your homemade porn tapes to her parents.

3. Tell her she's as skanky as Paula Abdul.

4. Tell her again.

5. Report the inadequacy of her BJ technique on wall at Facebook.

6. When you see her face, you don't even know her -- unless she wants to give you a break-up BJ.

7. Report that she did on Facebook.

8. "Je te deteste."

9. Tell the next b/f you gave her the clap.

10. Give him the clap, too.

If a Woman Farts in the Forest...

Does it make a sound?



What about if she farts in your presence? And she's hot. Guess it doesn't make a sound then, does it? But how many do you let her get away with before saying something? And, at what count does she start becoming "not so hot?" -- except in terms of increasing Global Warming.


"It's been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt. That's why Tipper's been on lock-down lately."

6 Things You Shouldn't Be Saying to Your Stalker

1. Hello.

2. Do you park here often?

3. I've seen bigger penises on my brothers.

4. I bet that made you real popular in high school.

5. Sure, I'll get in.

6. I hope you don't mind yeast infections.

10 Things Verne Troyer Would Do For an Encore

1. Sniff blow off a hooker's ass while farting the National Anthem.

2. Challenge a mouse to a skateboard race.

3. Bang any living munchkin from the Wizard of Oz.

4. Shave Mike Myers pubes and save them in a jar by his bed.

5. Marry a vegetable named Demetri.

6. Audition to find "love" with Tila Tequila.

7. Demonstrate his fine mastery of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

8. Apply to be paper weight between Mary Carey's breasts.

9. Nominate Pop Tarts as the number one snack food for diabetic children.

10. Reveal he was also a high-priced Spitzer Girl.

Laker Fans Finding Love All Over Again

"Hey, those colors look great on you. Do you come here often?"

Obama For a Spam Free America

Just isn't going to happen.

I made the mistake of contacting Obama's "team" in an effort to get the skinny smoker to play me in a game of H-O-R-S-E for ESPN. No reply, only ObamaSpam, every single day. It brought to mind a sad fact of American politics: It's all about "the sell" and little about the people.

"By the people, for the people," I think not. I know not.

In my mind, Obama is now directly on par with that Nigerian King's daughter and the plentiful offers of a bigger penis. He's a lot of puff with little substance. Kind of like the supermodel who fails to eat her rice cake and is in jeopardy of being blown away by the slightest breeze.

5 Things a Guy Doesn't Want to do on a Date

1. Talk.

2. Listen.

3. Shop.

4. Fart.

5. Bleed.

NBA Poser Suffers From Severe Case of Premature Thugulation

Washington D.C. - It occurred in the first quarter of today's game against the Cleveland Cavs. The Washington Wizard's DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. Wait, stop that sentence. It's juicy enough to repeat: DeShawn Stevenson made a shot. What a concept. Remind me how long he's been in the NBA for?

What happened next was the even more surprising: DeShawn did that genius "wave his hand in front of his face" thing, then followed it up with a nomination for The David Stern Sportsmanship of the Year Award: The throat slash. The: I-just-kicked-your-ass (on one basket, in the first quarter) and-blood-is-pouring-out-of-your-neck, let-me-call-the-paramedics throat slash.

His victim? LeBron James -- who the genius Stevenson has been calling overrated. Note to Stevenson: scoreboard says 3-1. And LeBron right around 30 a game. How genius can you be now?

Last note to the Wizard Whose Wand is Flaccid: You got beat on a shot by someone who actually looks like he could be a real-life thug: Delonte West. Real-life thugs don't have to "talk the talk." They just beat you, DeShawn, until, hopefully, you can't ever talk again.

And The Worst Trade of the NBA Century Goes to...

5 Reason Guys Don't Get Laid

1. Lack of confidence.

2. Toooo desperate.

3. Trying to play in majors when they should stay in the minors.

4. Still living with their parents.

5. Fugly. Real fugging fugly.

5 Ways to Tell a Girl Wants to Have Sex With You

1. She's in the Over-35-Still-Single-Without-Kids Club.

2. She'd rather not introduce you to her parents.

3. You spell your name: George Clooney.

4. She's just maxed out your credit card -- again.

5. She breaks out the Elisha Cuthbert poster to tape to her back.

Tina Fey Finally Gets Her Wish

9 Things Guys Regret Most

1. Not asking for her number.

2. Not getting a BJ.

3. Missing their favorite team because they were hanging out not getting a BJ.

4. The next morning -- and the creature lying by their side.

5. Amount of cash spent on creature.

6. Having to utter the "L" word.

7. Bringing up the latest rash flash-point (right before uttering the "L" word).

8. The 4-hour erection on the country farm.

9. Not sticking with the sheep.

The 5 Biggest - Female - Lies of Internet Dating

1. Pictures

OK, girls: How about you snap a current picture, or three, and not use one from your high school year book? Or the one with the fancy "mood" lighting. Guess what? You might have to meet us one day. You know the mood then? Awkwwwwwwward.

2. Smoking

Last time we checked, "absolutely not" under the smoking question meant, yup, absolutely not. If you have a slight problem of chain smoking a pack a day, guess what? It's a no-brainer. You're a smoker! Next.

3. Health

"Keeping it healthy" does not mean you dine out for Krispy Kremes at midnight and your breakfast consists of Twinkies and Red Bull. It means: balanced diet, the kind that'll help you stop that twitching!

4. Workout

OK, working out "5 times a week" does not translate into walking from your car to get the KrispyKremes. Note: This DOES NOT HELP the twitching. And please: Don't point at your belly and say it would take you a week to get it in shape. It would take you: NEVER, that's how long.

5. Age

If you're 38 in real life, that doesn't make you 29 on the Internet. It makes you 38. We know how hard it is for you to DO THE MATH, but trust us: You're over-the-hill. It's time you started acting your age and started accepting advances from the creeps down at the Home Depot.



P.S. By the way, we still like romantic walks on the beach, poetry and FURRY animals. And occasionally a giant taco.

The 6 Best Ways to Meet Girls This Weekend

1. Practice human pretzel moves in yoga class.

2. Squeeze melons at a farmer's market.

3. Locate nearest Emperor's Club, spend trust fund.

4. Pantie (i.e. thong) raid!

5. Gothicmatch.com.

6. Vegas.

10 Things You Don't Say to a Woman

1. Tell me your name again.

2. Your best friend is so hot.

3. Do you believe in intravenous blood exchange on a first date?

4. What about a second?

5. Can I borrow some money for dinner?

6. You call those shoes?

7. Yes, you look fat.

8. Did you just fart?

9. Mind if I smell it?

10. Would you like to go out sometime?

Top 5 Remedies For Guys Who Choke

1. Hug From Mommy

2. Mass Alcohol

3. Strippers

4. Virgin Suicides (w/basketball players)

5. FT Practice

10 Things Guys Hate About You

1. Sunglasses

2. Drama

3. Sex in the City

4. Anorexia

5. Driving skills

6. Overweight best friend

7. Infidelity

8. Perfume

9. Syphilis

10. Da Vinci Code

Naomi Campbell's Heathrow Hissy Fit

5 Reasons You Know She's a Psycho

1. Thinks her meds are Flinstone vitamins.

2. Keeps referring to you as "that guy."

3. Writes songs about her 23 stray cats and a bong.

4."Accidentally" invites dad to cam when she's giving you head.

5. Likes talking to dead tree bark for moral support.

14 Things a Guy Won't Do With You (unless you're Hot)

1. Have sex with you on your period

2. Meet your friends, even worse, your family

3. Let you have the dry spot

4. Watch chick flicks

5. Buy you flowers

6. Listen to your complaints

7. Wear your panties

8. Go dancing

9. Enact PDA

10. Use a condom

11. Pick up your dog's poop

12. Go down on you

13. Write a song about you

14. Admit he's a major asshole

PS. Remember, hot chicks dig the a-holes
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14 Things a Guy Doesn't Mention on First Dates

1. Condi Rice

2. Three-ways

3. Herpes

4. Past stalking experience

5. Politics

6. Tom of myspace

7. Circumcision

8. Homoerotic tendencies

9. Shopping

10. Home Depot employment

11. "Mother"

12. Anthony Hopkins

13. Vegas

14. Vagina Monologues

21 Things Guys Don't Like

1. Condoms

2. Mother-in-laws

3. Directions

4. WNBA

5. Cosmopolitans

6. Mazda Miatas

7. Hairy bush

8. Hillary '08

9. Cockblocking

10. Tupperware

11. Valentine's Day

12. Shopping

13. Rice cakes

14. Opera

15. Erectile dysfunction

16. Cialis ads

17. Hippies

18. Smelly hippies

19. Apologizing

20. Bouncers

21. Oprah

10 Things a Woman Doesn't Want You to Know

1. She is going to become just like her mother.

2. She took Viagra once and sat around with some girlfriends comparing penis sizes.

3. It IS all about size.

4. She's thinks about sex as much as you do.

5. She thinks about shoes more than sex.

6. She could live without that taste in the back of her throat.

7. Your credit card makes a great lozenger.

8. She has no idea what her Chinese-symbol tramp-stamp means. Slutty?

9. When she says no she really means, "oh please, just ask me one more time so I can hold onto a modicum of my dignity."

10. PMS is a myth created by women who have no better resources to control men with.

Writer's note: Yes, I just ducked as the flower vase broke in tiny little pieces on the wall behind my head. I'm now off to the paint store. Bring you home some Haagen Dazs, honey?

5 Ways to Tell a Guy Wants to Have Sex With U

1. He's awake.

2. He's awake and drunk.

3. He's awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices.

4. He's awake and drunk and trying to cram dollar bills into your crevices and he doesn't even know you're a dude.

5. Did we mention he's awake?



"Hey, babe, is that a pencil in your panties or are you just glad to see me? And what exactly does this dollar get me anyway?"

This Basketball Addiction is Wearing Thin

I think I'm finally almost ready to check myself into the Promises wing for hoop addicts. Don't ask me who played yesterday, I couldn't remember. Today, is another story. Davidson's Cinderella dream ends. Well, maybe. Point being: Sorry I have been lax on posting recently, going to pick that up real soon, when basketball winds down and I find myself with nothing better to do than poke fun at, well, probably basketball. Though, Jose Canseco is always an option. Stay tuned, good friends, stay tuned.

March Madness: Bruin Boy vs. Trojan Boy

(TROJAN BOY)

Matt Leinart’s over there.

(BRUIN BOY)
So?

(TROJAN BOY)
We rule you in football.

(BRUIN BOY)
You’re trying to change the subject.

(TROJAN BOY)
What subject?

(BRUIN BOY)
That your team looks like they’re being coached by Jackie Moon out there.

(TROJAN BOY)
Is that the guy in those commercials?

(BRUIN BOY)
Uh, huh.

(TROJAN BOY)
I wouldn’t want to smell like him.

(BRUIN BOY)
Nor your basketball team during our last 15-2 run.

(TROJAN BOY)
Did I mention that Matt Leinart’s over there?

(BRUIN BOY)
Yeah, I saw him covering his eyes, too.

(TROJAN BOY)
Funny.

(BRUIN BOY)
And, FYI: We’re coming after you in football. We got a coach now.

(TROJAN BOY)
Rick Neuheisel? You call him a coach? Where is he anyway? I don’t see him out here supporting the basketball team.

(BRUIN BOY)
That’s because he’s probably out recruiting.

(TROJAN BOY)
Who? Players to participate in his NCAA bracket pool?

(BRUIN BOY)
Funny yourself.

(TROJAN BOY)
BTW: We’re going deeper than you in the real tourney, anyway.

(BRUIN BOY)
You mean: the OJ Mayo & Michael Beasley NBA Coming Out Party?

(TROJAN BOY)
What’s the difference with Love?

(BRUIN BOY)
Love knows there’s no ‘I’ in team. You’re talking about the Pac-10 Freshmen of the Year, and the Pac-10 Player of the Year. That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.

(TROJAN BOY)
Yeah, well, he’s going to need the Pac-10 Chiropractor of the Year after we’re done with him. Take that to the NCAA’s, baby!

(BRUIN BOY)
In case you haven't noticed, we have.

Cheerleaders of the Pac-10

Take a little video tour of the recent Pac-10 tourney, where fans couldn't quite decide on which team has the hottest cheerleaders. You tell me.

The Evolution of NBA Players

Ask an NBA Ref

The Dawg has been barking up too many trees lately. Therefore he will leave you with this cat from espn magazine.

And Now, Playing Towel Boy for the Los Angeles Lakers...

Check out the 411 I gathered on the Lakers' Towel Boy.

Up a Creek with MLB Public Relations

Click pic to enlarge (so you can read the fine print)

He Who Smelt It, Also Dealt It

Republican Congressmen Elect a Candidate

Next Up For The Mixed-Up Feds...

story

Mavericks Introduce New MVP

Most Valuable Pissant...

Do You Hereby Swear to Rob Taxpayers of Their Hard Earned Money?

From L to R
"I do."
"I do."
"Hell yeah."

Congress Is Now in Session...

Hey, readers! If you noted the surfboard as possible penis symbolism, double your points. As for the Rocket, too bad he's never surfed in congressional waters before. He's about to get blue crushed.

What's the Grammy's Got to Do With It?

Sorry, my powers of sports coverage have been sapped by visions of Tina Turner in that tight metallic outfit at the Grammy's. I shall return with sports coverage soon. I hope.

Note to Tina: Mary wouldn't have been so proud if she saw what you were wearing. Girl, it's time to cover that sh*t up.

Beyonce: Your caboose ain't so far behind.

Pornstar Steve Kerr Lights Up Valley of Suns

The Suns Could've Done Better on ebay

The Needle & the Damage Done

With McNamee about to drop the big one tomorrow, it appears Clemens has thrown his last pitch -- in baseball, or to the congress. Maybe Britney needs a roommate?



Hmm. What do you suppose congress will do with that finger?

A Former President Plots His Return

Silent Knight, Holy Night

New Yorkers Hired to Protect Giants Final Walk-through

And Then There Was Only One Fan Left For Kwame

Patriots Videogate: Flashback 1974

Is the Super Bowl Friggin' Here Yet?

Super Bowl "bye" (aka Hype) week has got to be one of the worst weeks in sports history: waiting for the Big Game, which will most likely drop with a thud by the second quarter, Eli Manning and the Giants reduced to rubble.

In fact, let's call the build-up what it really is: Greed Week. A chance for all the billion dollar corporations to show just how vital they are to our sports viewing. I'm friggin' sick of it. Play the f-ing game already and STFU.